My second husband and I were together for several years before we married. This meant that I had plenty of time to get to know his two teenage kids, bond with them, and they had time to become comfortable with me. Or so I thought. You see, a couple of months before our wedding, I thought it might be a good idea to have a photo taken of all of us together to use as that year's Christmas card. When my fiancé mentioned my plan to his kids, they quickly responded with, "No way! She's not our family!" I was shocked, then hurt, then disappointed. I thought we had come a long way in the process of combining our two families, but I quickly learned differently. I had been trying so hard, maybe too hard. I wanted them to like me. Well, love me. I felt that I was supposed to love them too. I mean, we were going to be a family and families love each other, right? Isn't love supposed to conquer all? What if it doesn't? Then again, was it even necessary for me to love them? After all, what's love got to do with it?
That's when I went to Plan B. For me, this first meant going to counseling. While there, I learned that it wasn't my job to love my stepkids, nor should it have been my goal. However, when I married their father, I did take on a certain responsibility for them. That responsibility was to interact with them in a way that helped them grow up and become responsible and productive adults. That's it. This meant that my interactions needed to be positive and consistent. It meant that I needed to respect them as individuals, have consideration for their feelings, show an interest in their pursuits, and be sincerely concerned for their well-being. But I did not have to love them to be successful as a stepparent. What a relief! No more guilt. No more carrying that heavy burden. Now I had a clear vision of what I needed to do. Or rather not do.
I quit trying so hard. Actually, I quit trying - period. I was tired of going out of my way to please these kids, do the right thing, and "make" them like me. I decided to take love out of the equation and handle them just as I would any other child in my house. This meant I treated them with kindness. I was respectful. I showed concern for their well-being and was considerate of their feelings. Basically, I was polite. I didn't ask anything of them, leaving that to their dad. I didn't expect anything from them, which meant I could not be disappointed. I respected them as individuals and went on about the business of being me. I took the emphasis off of them and put it on my husband and I, figuring that they could "fit" around us, rather than me making accommodations for them. I gave up the idea that if I did things "right" that they would love me and in return I would love them. I aimed for mutual respect rather than love.
I also came into my new marriage with a daughter. As a parent, it was impossible to believe that anyone could resist loving my precious little girl. However, I had to accept that the rules of step-parenting applied to my husband too. Chances were good that he wouldn't automatically love my daughter, just as I wouldn't necessarily love his children. All I could expect is that he treat my daughter my the same respect and kindness I showed his children.
The road to wedded bliss was somewhat rocky at times. Living under one roof with children is challenging enough. When you're a stepparent, it can be overwhelming. Sure, there were disagreements. But every family encounters bumps along the way. There were a few times when my husband disagreed about the way I approached his children. There were also times when I disagreed with how he treated my daughter. For the most part, however, we stood united and worked through our challenges together.
What happened in the end, you wonder? Well, years went by. Then a few more. It was a Mother's Day when I received my first card, "To My Stepmother on Mother's Day." Such a small thing you say, and yet, what a big moment for me. Well, more years went by. The kids were now grown and on their own. So you can imagine my surprise the day another card came in the mail. But this one was quite different. It wasn't Mother's Day or even my birthday. It was just another day. This time my stepdaughter wrote: "I've been thinking of you a lot lately and about how much you have done for me. I realized that I probably never told you how much I appreciate all you have done, not just for me, but for my dad, too. I just wanted to write and say thanks for everything." Did she sign it "With Love" or "Love"? No. But in that moment I knew that I mattered to her and she mattered to me.
How did we get to this place? Did I have to love her to get here? No, but eventually along the way, somehow that love grew. It can grow in your stepfamily, too. Here are seven simple ways to build a relationship with your stepchildren without the pressure of feeling forced to love them. Trust me, this will happen in its own sweet time.
1) Aim for kindness rather than love.
2) Interact in a way that helps them become responsible and mature adults.
3) Accept them for who they are as individuals.
4) Be true to yourself.
5) Be a source of support and encouragement.
6) Show a sincere concern for their well-being.
7) Be considerate of their feelings.
Love between a stepparent and a stepchild isn't a natural phenomenon. Like any relationship, it must be nurtured. Get to know your stepchildren and let them get to know you. If love grows between you, that's wonderful. If it doesn't, you can still forge a special relationship that will produce a lifetime of incredible memories.
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